Here’s how to prevent divorce.
I destroyed my marriage when I was 31.
I thought living alone would make me happier.
But I found I was wrong.
Today, I’ll share lessons learned to show you how to prevent divorce.
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Reason 1: The problem is usually me
My divorce story
When I got a divorce, we had been together with my wife for 11 years.
- We were financially stable.
- She was a good mother to our son.
- We had had a lot of great experiences together.
And still, I felt miserable because I wasn’t getting enough out of the relationship.
For example, I wanted us to grow together but she didn’t care about personal development as I did.
Unjustified perfectionism
When it comes to our spouses, we are perfectionists and expect them not to have any flaws.
At the same time, we allow ourselves to have imperfections.
How realistic is that?
It’s like they are a huge beautiful world but we choose to focus on one piece of dirt and miss all the beauty that’s out there.
There’s always going to be something not to like about our spouse.
It was my problem really
Stephen Covey said:
If you think that the problem is out there, that very thought is the problem.
The real problem was my scarcity mindset.
I took what was good about my wife for granted and focused on one thing I didn’t like.
Unconditional love
Instead of blaming my wife for making me unhappy, I should’ve changed myself.
Jim Rohn said it best:
For things to change, you have to change.
I needed to accept her as she was.
That’s how you stop fighting over your “problems.”
If you get a divorce, you will carry the problem—which is yourself—right into the next relationship.
And it will likely blow up just like this one.
Reason 2: Sunk costs
After 11 years together, sunk costs were huge.
Even if it wasn’t perfect, our family was a system that took time and energy to build.
And destroying that system meant all that would go to waste.
How will our son feel?
That’s a huge trauma to our son’s that can lead to developing mental issues.
How do I find a new partner?
I thought it would be easy to find someone better than my wife.
But that’s not the case.
Now that I’m older, I’m picky.
And I don’t meet enough new people which means fewer opportunities to meet a partner.
The next question is finances.
We had a small financial system running smoothly.
And suddenly, we had to break it, split everything between the two of us, and create our separate systems.
Reason 3: I wasn’t better off alone as I had thought I’d be
That’s what I had expected from my divorce but I realized I was wrong.
It felt okay to be alone and self-sufficient but I wasn’t living up to my full potential.
We all have a fundamental need for love and connection.
Tony Robbins said:
When you get to the top of the success mountain by yourself, you might want to jump off.
I love my experiences but sharing them with an intimate partner magnifies them.
My spouse was the perfect person for that.
We were a unit: we had our son to take care of, we lived together and shared everything, we had common goals.
We also had many memories.
Nurturing this kind of bond makes a difference in the quality of our lives.
One actionable tip for preventing divorce
If you want to save your marriage, do marriage counseling with a coach who will fight for your relationship.
If that’s not an option for you, here is something you can do on your own.
Create a list of things that you like about your spouse.
Focus on these positive things all the time, especially when you think negatively about him or her.
For example, I’d have focused on how responsible and organized my ex-wife was.
We used to run a business together and she was one of the best managers that I’ve ever known.
Focusing on the positive will rewire how you think about your spouse.
How to prevent divorce with relationship coaching
If you need help preventing divorce, check out my relationship coaching services.
I believe no marriage is beyond salvation.
When at least one of the spouses wants things to change, it’s a good start.
That’s you, right?
You already have the motivation to save your marriage.
With just a little bit of coaching from me, you’ll be able to do it.
Here’s a link for you to contact me.