“How do I stop yelling?” is out of the question for me.
When growing up, my parents used to fight a lot.
They are good people but yelling is their go-to communication tool.
It felt bad back then but one good thing came out of it.
I hate yelling.
Today, I’ll share my best ideas to help you get rid of this habit.
Check out the companion podcast episode if you don’t want to read:
Tip 1: Use better ways to feel significant.
Yelling is all about feeling significant.
Think of an Internet troll who attacks people intentionally to elicit a negative response.
They love attention and enjoy seeing others triggered emotionally.
Likewise, yelling makes people pay attention to us immediately.
We do it to feel heard, which makes us feel significant.
To stop yelling, we need to replace it with a more positive way to feel significant.
One example is long conversations.
Here’s how you use them:
- Engage your intimate partner in 1-hour or 2-hour long conversations every day.
- Let them talk first and listen without interrupting.
- When they finish, talk yourself.
Here’s what you’ll get from them:
- You’ll feel heard like never before.
- You’ll fulfill your need for significance at a new level.
- A side benefit is that you’ll build a legendary relationship.
Tip 2: Stop yelling to take care of your emotional bank account.
An emotional bank account is Stephen Covey’s metaphor from The 7 Habits of Highly-Effective People.
Your “bank account” with another person is how much they trust and support you.
Whatever you do concerning that person is either a deposit to, or a withdrawal from, your account with them.
Examples of deposits
- Listening without judgment
- Keeping promises
- Showing integrity
Examples of withdrawals
- Being judgmental
Consequences of yelling
Every time you yell, you make a huge withdrawal from your account.
It’s humiliating and breaks trust, especially if you promised to stop yelling before.
After you make a withdrawal by yelling, it’ll take many deposits to compensate for it.
For example, you yell at your spouse and then take them on a date to apologize for yelling.
It’s a solid deposit but it might not be enough to compensate for the withdrawal.
And wouldn’t a date feel better if it was a clean deposit to your bank account that’s already in great shape?
Tip 3: Stop expecting results from yelling.
Yelling is counterproductive.
For one, it makes the other person shut down.
For example, when my parents yell at each other, my mother shuts down and leaves the scene.
And then she gives my father the silent treatment—something that he hates.
This is what they get as a result of yelling:
- They don’t solve the problem.
- They both feel bad for several days.
- They both deplete their emotional bank accounts.
A coaching client told me about her fights with her husband.
He would yell at her and she would say mean things to him.
Those things had nothing to do with the conversation.
She said them because she felt hurt and got defensive.
And he got even angrier.
Yelling never resolved the argument but only made things worse.
Each time it was a withdrawal they both made from their emotional bank accounts.
TIP 4: Stop yelling to prevent stress and disease.
Yelling is a vicious cycle of stress.
You’re prone to yelling when you’re stressed.
Suppose, something went wrong at work.
You come home stressed and snap at your spouse.
And that causes even more stress—for you and now also for them.
Look, we already have enough stress in our lives today.
Why multiply it?
A healing practitioner Karina Grant said:
According to the United States Center for Disease Control (CDC), 90% of illness and disease is caused by stress.
If 90% of illness is caused by stress then what happens when we remove the stress – we heal.
Think about it: 90% of disease is stress-related.
Ask yourself these questions the next time you want to yell:
- Do you want to cause stress in your spouse that will lead to disease?
- Do you want your kid to get sick?
- Do you want to go to a doctor yourself?
Wouldn’t you rather stop yelling and let everyone be healthy and happy instead?
TIP 5: Reserve yelling for “special occasions.”
My ex-wife yells at our son Denis all the time.
It’s her default way of communicating with him.
The problem is that Denis got numb to her yelling and it lost its power on him.
But someday, she might need to yell at him to prevent a dangerous situation.
And he won’t react to it as he should because he’ll think, “Oh well, it’s just Mom yelling again.”
So he might get into trouble as a result.
On the contrary, I never yell at him.
If I yell at him in that type of situation, he’ll be more likely to respond.
TIP 6: Rewire yourself to stop yelling.
Here’s my best technique for stopping yelling (based on Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within).
Step 1: Challenge your beliefs about yelling.
A part of you believes yelling is normal and effective.
But you also question these beliefs because you see the damage yelling causes.
Keep challenging them:
- Where will I be in five years if yelling continues?
- What will it do to my relationships with my spouse and kids?
- I create stress in my loved ones that will make them sick.
- By yelling, I make withdrawals from my emotional bank accounts with my loved ones.
Soon enough, your beliefs will change.
Step 2: Set a personal development goal.
The next step is to make stopping yelling a goal.
- Write it down and give it a deadline.
- Think of strong reasons why you want to achieve this goal.
- Review it every day to set in motion your conscious and even unconscious powers.
Step 3: Condition yourself using pain and pleasure.
Finally, use neuro-associative conditioning to rewire your brain.
The two forces that guide our behavior are pain and pleasure.
Associate pain with yelling and pleasure with not yelling.
Examples of pain
Each time I yell, I will:
- Send a present to someone I don’t like.
- Do push-ups to muscle failure.
- Bake a cake and take it to a food shelter.
Examples of pleasure
When I catch myself ready to yell and stop it, I will:
- Listen to my favorite music record reserved for special occasions.
- Get 30 minutes of a massage chair.
- Enjoy a day out with my kid doing whatever they want.
Neuro-associative conditioning will engage your emotions.
This will help you stop yelling faster than trying to resolve this issue intellectually.
MY BEST TIP: The ultimate answer to “How do I stop yelling?”.
You might realize you have a yelling problem but you procrastinate on dealing with it.
Taking action is especially difficult if you lived with this problem for years.
But imagine how much more damage you’ll do to yourself and your loved ones if you don’t change.
What you might be missing is that you can change immediately.
Tony Robbins said:
It’s not change itself that takes time.
It’s getting ready to change that takes time.
Change itself occurs in an instant.
So why not leverage our innate ability to change quickly?
All it takes is working with a relationship coach.
- A coach will give you proven techniques to work on your yelling problem. Like the pain and pleasure principle.
- You’ll feel accountable to your coach and use those techniques.
- You’ll work harder on them because you’ll want to make the most out of your coaching investment.
A life coach Dave Turpen said:
The Association for Talent Development did research on goal completion.
Here’s what they found:
By setting up an accountability appointment to monitor progress, the likelihood of accomplishing a goal goes up to 95%.
That said, I don’t know a way to stop yelling that’s easier and more effective than coaching.
How do I stop yelling: here’s how I can help.
If you need help stopping yelling, check out my relationship coaching services.
I’ll help you stop the vicious cycle of yelling.
You won’t be contributing to stress-related diseases in your loved ones and colleagues.
Your relationships will improve.
And you’ll feel happier every day.
Reach out to me for a free introductory session through this link.